awake.

to be content with what you have is difficult.
i have the most amazing friends.
i have great family.
i go to an awesome school.
i'm living.
i'm breathing.
what is there to discontent with?

and yet i feel like something is missing.
a void that aches when i think too much.
when i'm in silence.
when i can't sleep.
God helps. He fills part of that void.
but there is still that longing.
for an ever-present protector and encourager.
for the love of a male, father-like figure in my life.
of almost any male figure. like a brother.
an acceptance i've longed for, for a long while.

so i'll wait.
be content with what i have now.
friends. family. love.
but i'll still be waiting.
for that one person.
who can fill that emptiness.
who will hold me and tell me that everything will be okay.

God i turn to thee.
help me feel your ever-present love.
help me to be content.
this i pray to you with all that i am.
amen.

dagger

to be content in a relationship, you must first be content being single..
ouch.
that one stung a little.

but those were words
that i really needed to hear.

This is an S.O.S.

college isn't all fun and games.
i wish that i wasn't trying to make it that.
i need to be responsible. and do my work.
get my grades up so i don't lose my scholarship.

i'm such a horrible college student.
and why does what God wants me to do with my life have to be so hard?
i'm not smart enough to do this..
HELP.

elation:

-noun
a feeling or state of great joy or pride; exultant gladness; high spirits.
:)

thank you

thank you for being honest.
thank you for telling me what is wrong with me.
thank you for pointing out the things that i do that not everyone can stand.
thank you for trying to tell me nicely even though it didn't really work.
thank you for listening to me too. even thought you may not have wanted to hear it.

but most of all, thank you for loving me for who i am.
even if i do get on your nerves.

...look's like i got my work cut out for me.
Positive Penny needs to make a comeback.
Pronto.

...

3 months.
tops.
let's see what happens.

made new.

revival. the best yet.
it spoke to me. shook me at my core.
you knocked on the door. i answered.
i was afraid to. afraid to show you what was inside. the mess i have made of myself.
you walked in. looked around. and helped me clean up.
but not everything. i wouldn't let you. not yet.
i'm a work in progress. don't know if i'll ever be completely cleaned up.

i'm trying to be better. get better. create new habits.
be a better person. not swear. be nicer. love everyone.
not judge. be helpful. and kind.
it's going to take time.
and i know that i will falter.
but i also know.
that you will be with me. every step of the way.
guiding me. picking me up when i fall. and encouraging me when i need it.
you amaze me. sometimes i just don't understand.
how you love me.
thank you God.
you are the ultimate best friend.

2 days

college is wearing me out.
i've been sleeping alot.
i should be right now.
ha.

i never feel like writing anymore.
i'm just so content.
i'm just livin' life.
and loving every minute of it :)

freedom

last night in my house.
in my room.
in my bed.
i can taste freedom on my tongue.

?

when you look at me what do you see?
when i talk to you what do you hear?
am i the person you thought i was when you first saw me?
do i say one thing and do another?

am i a hypocrite?
am i a liar?
do i get jealous too easily?

am i immature?
am i too sarcastic?
am i mean and hateful?

am i too weak?
am i a pushover?
am i quick to judge?


am i who i say i am?
or am i just one big fat liar?

leave

these walls are my cage
and have been for 18 years
i used to be young and naive
believed everything you said
went along with it all
the hypocrisy
the judgment
i just sat quietly
and let you tell me what to think

but not anymore.
i am now using my own brain
thinking my own thoughts
saying what i truly feel
even if those things hurt you
believing what i want
not what you tell me to
seeing how close-minded and critical our whole family is
and i hate it

you'd have to be blind not to see what i'm describing
the tension
the lies
the two-faced people
but i guess that's family for you.

i am determined to be who i am.
not who my you tell me to be.
this is my life.
not yours.
stop trying to live it for me.

nothing

i can't think of what to write about anymore.
is that bad?
does that mean my life is good?
or that it's so bad my mind is blocked?

2

for the next 2 weeks.

i trust no one.

i'm a wanted criminal.

catch me if you can.

haven't been in the mood to write lately.

i don't know why.

mission trip was good.

found out my calling.

all is well.

just in case you care..

7 days

i need this to change me.

soften my heart. open my ears and eyes.

let me want to be like you.

i need to hear you.

speak to me O God.

tell me what you want for my life.

i need you. i have drifted. far out to sea.

and i'm having a hard time swimming back to shore.

the waves crash on me. and i feel like i'm drowning.

save me.

this week. i desire to deepen my walk with you.

i love you. i need you.

save me.

Amen.

Michigan

The sand beneath my feet

Waves burying my toes as they ebb and flow

Colorful towels scattered about the sparkly sand

The seagulls flying close overhead to get any available scraps

The smooth boat ride

Much needed relaxation

A getaway from everyday life

And the nonstop hectic-ness of things

Laughing and acting stupid

Swimming and playing ultimate

These are the moments I live for

With the people that mean the world to me

MY BEST FRIENDS

Stress free

Care free

Worry free

Drama free

Mom free

Can I just stay up here forever?

trust. mistrust.

i've never done anything bad.

well i've lied. and stole.

but not things of huge importance.

never committed a crime.

i've never drank a drop of alcohol.

can't ever anyways.

never smoked. that's just gross.

drugs are stupid. they use up all your money.

i'm not going to have sex before marriage.

i made a vow and i'm not going to break it.

so why is it so hard for you to trust me? i've never done anything to make you unwilling to let me be. why can't you let go? i am 18. i am my own person. i'm not going to make the same mistakes that you did. i'm not YOU.

don't you get it? i am ME. i don't want to be you.

why can't you just let me do as i please? i am not going to do anything stupid. this is my life. i don't want to fuck it up. i want to be someone and do something great. and i will. but not with you hovering and controlling my every move.

you obviously have control issues. and i'm tired of you telling me what to do. i love you but i can't wait to get the hell out of the house.

thank god for college

day

Happy Father's Day?

Nope.

Happy Same As Any Other Day?

Bingo...

walk

what lies ahead? i hate the unknown. i hate walking with this blindfold on. i am not entirely sure if i trust the person leading me. i know i should. but i can barely feel his grasp on my hand. i can't hear their voice telling me where to go. i am walking blindly. trying to make sense of where i am.
everything is muffled. whoever is leading me knows who i am. i can tell by their touch. but i feel like i don't know them. the familiarity is not reciprocal. or if i do know them, i don't know them well enough.
we go over mountains. we go through valleys. i can tell by the way i struggle and am worked to exhaustion. whoever he is i am forced to trust him. since i cannot see. it has been so long that i have been led blindly by him.
trust is required when you can't see. i wonder if i were leading them, if they would trust me...

Who are you again? And where are you taking me?

silence

just another day. another boring routine. no day is different than the next. the body responds in a mechanical way. body moves, brain not attached. mind becomes hyperactive. too much time to think. preoccupation of the mind is vital. mind starts analyzing every part of your life. uncovering weaknesses. discovering doubts. many questions. not enough answers.

the music helps. drown out the constant loop of questions playing in your mind. like a cd put on repeat. but the music helps the mind discover emotions. emotions it did not find in the silence. the music is a help. but it is also a hinderance.

there is no way to avoid thinking. you either choose the silence or the music. do you want constant chatter or the emotions of the music? either way you are forced to think about things you don't like to or want to. how can you break this when everyday is the same? will the routine ever be broken? will the mind ever stop the questions?

let's hope so.

Missing Person

i never had one
well technically i do
but being nonexistent my whole life
you don't count

i've never met you
i don't know if i want to
the fear of disappointment and rejection
looms over my head

i guess i understand
why you have never contacted me
it would probably be awkward
between the two of us

but i still have that longing
for that embrace of protection
that you would give me
if you were here

maybe someday i'll go
and find out where you are
and knock on your door
nervous as can be

and when you open it
i'll look at you and say
hi. i'm abby. your daaughter
you son of a bitch, you left me.

18 years and counting
i haven't been able to say
with a card or my voice
Happy Father's Day... Dad.

Positive Attitude

Call me Debbie Downer.

i've noticed lately that i rarely have a smile on my face. no light behind my eyes. i always have just a blank stare and i am somber. i wonder if anyone else has noticed.

i need to regain my positivity.

Call me Positive Penny.

the world

slow and steady wins the race

that is what we are taught

the tortoise and the hare lied to us

fast and deceiving are who really win

the world says lie to get by

i say the truth

is by what i will abide

take that world

beat the system

swim against the current

be. who. you. are.

not what the world tells you to be

Judge Free?

if a judge free zone
is what you want
maybe you shouldn't judge others
when they aren't around

making fun of people
you do it all the time
you think you're so funny
but those are my friends

you wonder why
people think you're a bitch
but if you look at what
you have left behind
it's plain to see
that you are not ever in
the "judge free" zone

exhaustion

Early mornings
Late nights
Memories that will last
My whole life

Torn between fun
And much needed sleep

I don't want to give in
And be defeated

The war is raging
More powerful still
I don't know who will win

Guess i'll just have to wait and see

i believe

i believe that what is in store for me will be great.
i believe that people's true colors always shine through in the end.
i believe that it is easier to forgive and forget than hold a grudge.
i believe that everything happens for a reason, whether we like that reason or not.
i believe that GOD is my true father and nobody can ever make me say otherwise.
i believe that we should be in the world not of the world.
i believe that you can choose your destination and you can be whatever you want to be.

i believe that our generation can change the world.
all it takes is one person brave enough to take the first step and make the first mark.

newbie.

i'm new to this.
so i have no idea what to say.
except that.
i'm graduating today.