done.

i did it.
i told you.

and i feel so...
relieved.

now i can work on getting over it.

step one: complete.

should i?

i'm not sure what to say.
or how to say it.
all i know is that i want to say it.
and have for a while.

but i'm afraid.

i don't want to disappoint you.
ruin what we have built up.
make you act differently.
or be on your guard.

i just want to let you know what i feel.
but i also don't want to face your reaction.
i'm torn. i'm unsure.
should i tell you?
should i be honest?
when me being honest could potentially ruin everything we've worked for?
i'm not sure if it's worth it.
but then again, it could be.

me. right now. in one word.






NUMB.

roller coaster of thought and emotion

i'm not quite sure what to do. i thought i had everything all planned out. Zoology major. that's me. i'm supposed to work with animals. i love them and it's something that i've always thought of doing. but then today, while i am in Microbiology class, i can't stop thinking about Ministry.. why? i don't really know. but it was like it was consuming my brain. like my brain was like, uhm excuse me miss. but i think you are learning about the wrong thing right now. i'm sorry, not my brain. GOD. was He trying to give me that wake up call? a bit drastic don't you think? after i've paid for the class and already started it?... and if i am called to ministry, what kind? intercultural? youth? children's? missions? JUST TELL ME!
i've never been so frustrated, depressed, excited, happy, and mad all at the same time. why can't i just know what i am supposed to do?

the talk i had tonight made me realize things that have been trying to open up my eyes to ministry lately. but am i just looking for those loop holes because i want an easy way out of this class? no. i don't mind the class. it's interesting. but then why can't i retain information for the life of me? why am i failing all of my core major classes and then doing better work in my gen eds?
i just can't think straight. i feel like i just need to pray for a whole day about this. i want to go to Kelly Prayer Chapel and just sit there and cry and read my Bible and just talk to God. can i do that though? of course not. i have class tomorrow and i also have to work...

GOD. if this is really what you want me to do, give me every sign that you've got. show me what you're made of. hit me with your best shot. don't let me slip by. close every other door leaving ministry wide open. i need your guidance. i'm just so torn and confused. i just don't understand why you would choose me? i don't deserve to be teaching others about you. i don't know enough... help me to understand Lord.
i love you with my whole heart and life God. i give it all to you.

it's been a while.
but my life has been relatively uneventful.
hooray for the boring life.

now off to life again.
maybe something awesome will happen..
probably not. at least not in this town.

.

in my dorm room.
by myself.
leaves me with too much time to think.

certain things are making me angry.
i'm trying not to think about them.
but it's difficult.
i don't like being angry.
but it's been a huge part of me lately.

anger, anger go away.
come again never, okay?